By Abigail Ann Kemp
It’s hard. Believe me it’s beyond hard going from the point where you want your life to end, to accepting help and making recovery. There’s a lot of ups and downs, twists and turns and some days it’s easy, others it’s extremely difficult.
My depression it’s on and off, some days I’m full of energy and motivation. On a good day, it typically looks like me getting out of bed early, getting up and dressed, being productive- eating regularly, tidying, going gym, going to the shops, walking the dog. Simple things people manage to do daily without any struggle, without any battle to get up and leave the comfort of your bed. A bad day typically looks like me sleeping for 95% of it because you can’t be sad, you can’t feel anything bad when you’re asleep. Not getting dressed, not eating, living in a shit hold of a room until my good day motivation comes around. Bad day me, is not the me I like. It makes me feel sloppy, tired. One thing that does help me though, is I try get up, shower and dressed in the morning everyday even if I’m not doing anything, maybe practice makeup to make me feel better. Even if I go back to the bad habit of napping at least I feel about my appearance.
My anxiety really hits me the hardest, and it’s the thing I’ve lived with my entire life. Most things I get anxious over are general things people would laugh at me for, saying to stop being silly it’s only a phone call, answer it. But to me it’s terrifying so many thoughts, bad scenarios rush into my head. Whether it’s someone I know or a number I don’t recognise it’s a genuine fear.
The hardest thing about my anxiety right now is the lack of control, I’ll be out and public and it’ll just hit me. People staring, is that person talking about me, what if I get in a car crash again? (Yes again, story for a different time). These all race through my mind whilst doing maybe even simple tasks like going to Tesco to get bread. Sounds like a get in the car, drive, go into Tesco, get the bread, drive home- easy task but no. Add in the steps where I motivate myself to leave the house, check I have the correct money a thousand times, brush my hair over and over, check my makeup is okay. It’s not easy at all.
I think perhaps the saddest part of my anxiety is the way it affects my self esteem. Some days I can look in the mirror and not hate myself. I do my hair, my makeup get dressed up go out and I feel so confident and good. Then when I’m out the shit show happens inside my head, I compare myself to other girls, my hair isn’t as good, my makeup looks terrible compared to them, they’re skinny, I’m not. It’s sad sometimes, because it knocks me down so much I have to leave or I get home and cry. Even though my amazing boyfriend tells me daily I’m beautiful or tells me I’m not fat, spends the time reassuring me (which I’m so grateful for) I will never believe it. That’s something I need to work on, loving myself.
There’s loads of things I try& attempt to learn to control all of my mishaps, for example- grounding, below is an example of what I do when I feel the anxiety kicking in and I need to relax.
I do this quite a lot and it distracts me from the negative thoughts I have. I’m never gonna be perfect, and to be honest I don’t want to be but one day at a time I wanna heal and learn how to take more control of my life. My first step was accepting help for my mental health difficulties, the next is taking back my life.
I’ve been unemployed for the past 3 months but I’ve finally got myself a job and I’m even volunteering at a dog shelter to preoccupy my time. Such a huge improvement. I’m also proud to say it’s been a whole 6 months since my suicide attempt and those dark thoughts haven’t crossed my mind. It’s no longer an option, recovery is.
Thank you to those who read my blogs, I know they’re long but I appreciate it. I don’t write these for you to feel sorry for me, I like to put out how I’m feeling and hopefully help others by making them realise they’re not alone. Please feel free to message me if you want to ask questions or even if you’re struggling and just need a friend to listen. I’m always available to those who need it. Thank you, Abigail x
Better Days are Ahead 